Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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