I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
