and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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