WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
