My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
