so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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