You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Randomize
