I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
