She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
