Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
