Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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