Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
