T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
