sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
