I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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