when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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