My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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