Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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