I accidentally burped into my bong.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
