OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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