I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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