Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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