I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
