Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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