My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
