Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
