I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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