i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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