non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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