Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
