He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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