captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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