the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
