Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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