he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
