chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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