shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
