i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
