ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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