tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
