he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
