Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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