When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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