i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
