we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
