Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
