foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
