I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So apparently I’m into choking now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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