i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
