No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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