so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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