Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
